Why Selfish is not always the Same as Wrong or Immoral

So in my last couple of posts I talked a lot about how important it is to fulfill the self. (If you haven't read those posts, here are the links Part I, Part II, and Part III) and in this post I'm going to address a question I'm sure came up. "But isn't doing that stuff... selfish?"

When we think of the word "selfishness" we almost have a knee-jerk reaction in associating it with words like bad, or immoral, but how do we know that this is true? There are instances in which I think being selfish is not only moral, but important and too often people overlook them.

I won't deny that together selfishness and fear can create a powerful paralytic - In December of 2012 alone there were two instances of people being pushed onto the subway tracks in New York, possibly because nobody stepped in to help, the victims were killed by the arriving subway train. (Links to articles on those two incidents here and here) 

There's no concrete reason to explain why no one helped, but I would say [the selfish] fear for personal safety was most definitely a factor. (Which is totally fair by the way, everyone has the right to look out for themselves).

"if there were absolutely no pros for you in doing something, would you do it? "

All this seems really negative right? So when can selfishness ever be good? Well, selfishness and fear can also incite action. For example, the desire most people have to matter. To satisfy this, people tend to do great things such as running into burning buildings to save lives. In truth, the motivations behind actions like this aren't always purely going to be "because I want to help" there's probably a part that's motivated because you like it, you like how it makes you feel, and/or because want your life to mean something. That's kind of selfish isn't it? 

And couldn't it be that part of your motivation to do good is due to fearing reaching the end of your life and realizing nothing you did really mattered?

I do believe we are selfish creatures, and if you thing about it, if there were absolutely no pros for you in doing something, would you do it?

The best example I can think of is with suicide. Would someone kill themselves just because? Or is it for personal gain? (Ie: since they don't want to live anymore).

After thinking about the above question, I'd now like to pose this one: if nothing we did could benefit ourselves personally, would we be motivated to do anything?  

"I'm arguing for selfishness, but a certain kind of selfishness"

I would say no, and I know that sounds really negative, but that's what this post is for - shedding light on the positive of being (a good kind of) selfish.

In the movie "Nell" there's this really though provoking line in the beginning where the characters are discussing selfishness and selfish intent and one person says something like "Even Mother Teresa wanted to know her life would help others." it's not wrong to be selfish, even those we put forth as the best of us fall prey to it. (Don't worry, I'm not trying to flip everything you learned in elementary school, I'm arguing for selfishness, but a certain kind of selfishness)

Now here is the big question: do selfish motives undermine any of the good things you may choose to do? I don't think so, I say this because once a good deed is done, the IMPACT is there, and that is what is known, that is what is felt. (great blog on that can be found here) 

So what if you didn't mean for something you said to hurt someone? It still did. 

Similarly, so what if inside you are a terrible person, so long as you do and/or tell others to do good things? No one but you are going to know your thoughts if they are not spoken or acted upon, and so they don't necessarily mean all that much, and they certainly can’t weaken anything you've done.

For example if you give your hot chocolate to a homeless person on a cold day, the kindness you showed them and the warmth the drink would afford them would make their day brighter, no? It doesn't matter if the reason you did it was because you wanted to feel like a good person. Your action still made life better for that person, and on a small scale your action still made the world a better place. Thought/intent does not do anything by itself. It needs to be translated into an action and/or words for it to do something.

Like with me, I try to do my best to advocate for feminism and social justice, but because I am a part of the disfavoured group, are my intentions selfish? 

I'd like to say no, but in reality the answer is probably yes. Does that make it wrong for me to advocate for the equitable treatment of people, women in particular? I think most people would agree with me when I say no, it doesn't. 

It's not wrong for me to not want to have to act differently from who I am just to be taken seriously. It's not wrong for me to want to be judged by my capabilities and if I make morally correct choices rather than the way my body looks, and it's not wrong for me to want this for all women.  

"In a way we need to be selfish, so we can take care of ourselves and be the best people we can be."

The other thing is that you need selfishness for self love. We tend to build ourselves around other people, and if we suffer for them, it's okay so long as it makes them happy right? That's noble to do, but you can't forget about yourself and your own needs. Because at the end of the day, your greatest duty is to yourself.  You might say, “Oh but I have a duty to my loved ones, I feel bad when they feel bad and I want to help them,” you empathize and may sort of feel what they feel, but the only feelings you'll ever feel keenly, in their most raw and pure form will be your own, you are not them, you don’t actually feel what they do. 

Also being willing to do anything for someone can lead to dangerous situations for you. Someone could be abusing you without you realizing it to be abuse. Also, if your whole identity is wrapped around one person, what would happen to you if that person leaves your life? So in a way we need to be selfish, so we can take care of ourselves and be the best people we can be.

It's important to work on yourself because then you can become a person with the capability to do great things, then you can become a great person. We can't have great societies if the building blocks, the people, are not also great (or at least more great than bad). If we don;t ever do anything for ourselves, we would never be able to reach that point.

Though I would never say that selflessness is wrong - there is a female philosopher named Ayn Rand that has a theory called "the Virtue of Selfishness" (read up on that here) where she argues that properly understood self interest is the basis of morality, and selflessness is immoral. 

I wouldn’t go that far, selfless acts like helping others and giving are probably the basis of kindness, but at the same time there needs to be a limit to stop selflessness from becoming self-harm. 

Also, in a way this idea sort of contradicts itself. Selflessness can stem from selfishness as I said above, so calling one moral and one immoral would mean each trait would flip flop around the line of moral and immoral.

So to sum up, selfish isn't bad when it's impact is good, be it self-love, the desire to feel like a good person, etc; Selfish is bad, when it's impact is bad.

In Which I talk about Butts (And their Portrayal in Music/The Media) Part III

Shout Out to the person who has been liking my posts and thereby adding to my presence on Google. (Sorry the thing isn't giving me an identity so I just have to go with "Awesome post-liker person" hope that alright :) )

And without further ado: For Part three I am featuring the big butt "trend" as well as talking more about fulfilling the self and challenging others' expectations of you.

The Big Butt Trend

So... this new big butt "trend" people are partially attributing to celebrities like Beyoncé Jennifer Lopez, Nicki Minaj etc. Once again I'm going to go back to the problem of messing with your body to please other people. 

On the surface it might seem like the solution to the constant pressure to be skinny that has been predominant over approximately the last fifty years, but really I think it's just the same thing taking on a different front. 

There's still the pressure to look a certain way, there's still an ideal that not everyone would be physically able to achieve. The fact that it's about having more weight makes little difference. To be honest it's possible that it could be harder to meet the standards of this trend because the weight is idealized in certain areas and where you gain weight is not necessarily easy to control. 

"Must we really celebrate big butts by deriding small ones?"

The woman in red addresses the problem pretty well at approximately 1:46

There's a difference between celebrating and turning something into an expectation. 

I wouldn't even call it celebrating as there are several cases where by "celebrating" small butts/small bodies are scorned, (I talked a bit about such a case in Part I of this series, read that post here) and as the Huffington Post says "must we really celebrate big butts by deriding small ones?" (full article on that here)

There is a difference between celebrating and showing it off as "the way" to be beautiful. Because when you do that people are drawn into the trap of changing their body for other people. 

When it comes to beauty, people can be desperate, we resort to extremes such as literally SUCKING OUT our fat to be skinny, now that we want big butts, we're getting butt implants. 

And when we do it for other people often even when we do achieve what we feel are appropriate looks, we tend to still hate ourselves, as we start to view ourselves so negatively, and because society will never be satisfied, we always feel like we're not pretty/skinny/big/[insert other adjective here] ENOUGH. 

We just have to stop showing off a certain thing as beautiful, stop obsessing over body parts and start focusing on what matters to us. 

But when we do it for ourselves "Oh I like having big arms, I'm going to try to get big arms, oh I like skinny calves so I'm going to work toward skinny calves" only then when we're doing it to satisfy ourselves, and our health, only then are we able to accept and be satisfied with ourselves because we're aiming to fulfill ourselves and not others. 

I think we'd be a lot happier if we just let go of some of that burden because honestly always trying to please others is crazy hard. 

If we stop being concerned with what others think of us, I think we'd be a lot happier. When we stop obsessing and just take time to enjoy what we enjoy life is a lot less deplorable and that frees up time to do things like improving yourself, and discovering who you are and not what people want you to be. 

Besides, when we do our best to be the best person we can be, that high opinion and approval will come naturally.  

I mean, yeah, it feels great to put on something nice and know that other people will see you and have a positive opinion of the way you look, but that shouldn't be all you live for, there are other ways to get that feeling - think about the last time you did something and were really proud of it. Wasn't that amazing? Even better than getting a compliment on your outfit maybe? 

The other thing is you're never going to be able to please everyone and all it takes is one negative comment to make that great feeling come crashing down. 

"Question what the media shows as appropriate, evaluate it against your personal morals, and do your part in keeping whatever meanness you can out of the world."

The media definitely plays a role in this - bombarding us with ideals and what we should/shouldn't do, but that doesn't mean we are powerless about things either. (And I keep on saying this, but I really think it's important) Question what the media shows as appropriate, (Some of what it shows will truly be appropriate, some is not.) evaluate it against your personal morals, and do your part in keeping whatever meanness you can out of the world. 

A shift in the media to encompass a broader range of ideals would be awesome, but it would be very difficult, if not impossible to be able to include everyone. so let's try to change the Media, but we shouldn't be afraid to rely on ourselves either. 

And thus conclude my Three-part series on butts and the media. Thank you for reading this post, and if you read all three of them multiply that by three. (If you haven't read the others, here's a link to Part I, and here 's a link to Part II)

I'd love to hear about what you people of the internet think -- I know this can come off as really negative and not happy with anything, but when good intentions take a detour when being translated into action I think it's worthy to point that out, and remind people to think about the media so next time the detour is smaller, and/or doesn't affect people as much. 

So how are people feeling about this three part series? Do you like them? Would you prefer I do more series like this or space out blog posts on the same issues?

Share your opinions with me in the comments! I do believe I am still looking for my first comment, so get a commenting and I'm going to try to get a cool prize for the first overall comment on this blog. :)

In Which I talk about Butts (And their Portrayal in Music/The Media) Part II

For Part II I am featuring Nicki Minaj's Anaconda. For those who know anything about the song I'm sure you're very clear as to why I'm bringing it up. The music video features, to put it lightly, a lot of butts. 

Consideration Because of Reputation: 

Here is one of my main concerns, with a song and video like this I'm afraid of the ramifications. I'm not trying, nor do I want to try to control Nicki Minaj in any way, however I do think that especially when you are in a position like Nicki (being that famous, and having a large reach) you need to be careful as to how you're portraying yourself not only because of how it might affect you, but because how it might affect others like you. 

When Nicki Minaj show's off her butt, and her body in general as a sexual object, that creates an idea, a reputation of ALL women in the minds of some people. 

What she does, what anyone does with their body is TOTALLY their business and their decision UNTIL there is a possibility of affecting others negatively, then I feel like there needs to be more, and more careful, consideration about whether or not to follow through with the idea. Then I think that what you, the owner of the body wants should take a smaller chunk of importance and allow some priority to how it might affect others. 

Because this kind of thing feeds into the rape culture, it does, it feeds into the perception of women being a certain way and it can feed into male entitlement. It's the idea that "well if such a successful young woman is choosing to do this, clearly I can expect this from all women."

[More on] Messing with your body to please other people

A very prominent lyric in "Anaconda" goes "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun." First off, has it been made clear that the person wants anything to do with said anaconda? Because assumption is NEVER good enough. 

Also, I'd like to point out that this is a situation where we need to take a step back and distinguish between what may be acceptable in fantasy [fiction] and reality. In all honesty, if a request like that had been directed at me I would have found it quite offensive. 

The person is essentially saying that unless the other's body is a certain way, that's not good enough for them. It puts all the importance, all the emphasis, on looks and there's none allotted to traits, character and/or other things that have been proven to be important for a healthy relationship. 

It almost threatens the person with "I won't be with you unless your body meets my standards" and sends messages like "your body needs to please me" which if you read Part I you would know I think messages like that are a huge problem.

Also it disregards the other person's health, something society really needs to value more. They're sort of asking you to do something potentially harmful to your health to please them, which I think is totally disrespectful. 

I do believe that getting things like that in real life are warning signs for an unhealthy relationship. Had this been me, I would have ended the relationship because there's no way I'd be with someone that treats me as nothing more than something to please them, no way I'd stick around with someone that disregards and disrespects me like that. 

And you might ask "what's the big deal it's just a song and/or just a lyric" but the truth is it can be a big deal. Clearly, I have noticed it, and I guarantee there are plenty of other people that will notice and have already noticed it. People are going to interpret things in all sorts of different ways, and that includes in ways that lean toward the negative or bad. 

The other thing is what we see others do, we do hold onto, consciously or unconsciously it stays with us, possibly for only a little while, possibly forever. (I'm not a scientist, I don't know) and if the person we see is like us, that's going to contribute to what we perceive ourselves as able to do, and what other people perceive of us, and of our limits. This in turn can affect what you can achieve because of your own perception of what you are capable of, what other people think you are capable of, and how seriously other people will take you. 

THAT is a big deal because of people aren't reaching their full potential... just think about it, we've already done so many amazing things in this world where not everyone is given the chance to reach their full potential, from exploring the universe to finding life-saving medicines to nearly defying the laws of the world that governs us we've done it all, think of what we could do if EVERYONE was given the chance to be their very best.  

So yeah, I think there should have been more responsibility taken and consideration put into some of the lyrics of "Anaconda" on the creators' parts, but I'm not going to call it some crazy terrible crime, and I'm not saying everyone needs to conform to my ideals. I'm just going to keep on reminding people of two things: try to be considerate, and remember that just because it's in the media, doesn't mean it's okay, or that it's the way things should be. 

So I wasn't planning to, but it seems like everything I have to say is calling for a Part III, so look for that in a few days. Right now I am looking for someone to be my first comment so share your thoughts with me in the comments of any of the posts and to the first person to comment on the blog overall, I'm going to try to get you something. :)

Peace,
Maggs

In Which I Talk About Butts (And their Portrayal in Music/The Media) Part I

"Why should you care, what they think of you / When you're all alone, by yourself / Do you like you?"

So I'm sure a lot of you know about that song by Meghan Trainor "All About that Bass" by now. It's a good, very popular song, with very good intentions behind it, but I find that in certain parts, it seems that the quest to do good went on a bit of a detour. Now I'd like to make it clear I am not here to attack Meghan Trainor, and/or her song but I'd just like to point out some things that I found important.

For any of those of you who don't know, I am a huge Ellen fan and that's actually how I found out about the song in the first place. She is amazing and so kind, but at the same time I feel like  her good intentions do a bit of a swerve sometimes. If you saw the first couple of shows from season 12, you'd probably remember that it was very full of butts. 

Meghan Trainor was on and performed "All about that Bass" Nikki Minaj was on, and Ellen poked some fun at her "Anaconda" video. 

I want to talk about this, because while these songs are generally portrayed as "body positive" I find there's a bit of discrepancy between the intent of the actions and the impact of them. 

I wrote the majority of this blog post about a month ago, but wanted to let it sit for a bit so I could really figure out where I wanted it to go. Then I started getting busy and it sat for what seemed like too long, but since Ms. Trainor was just on Ellen again I figured this was a good time as any to finally put it up. So here goes: 

I really love that a song based on positive body image is receiving

such a positive response, however there are some parts of the lyrics I find problematic. The chorus starts "Yeah my mamma told me don't worry about your size" Upon hearing that my inner dialogue went "That's a good message!" But then it continues "She says "boys like a little more booty to hold tonight." now this line... did not make my inner dialogue as happy. Because well, it seems to perpetuate the same ideas we're trying to get away from, the only difference is that it's for the flipside. 

Because is it not true that the problem isn't we feel the need to be skinny, but that we feel the need to be skinny FOR OTHER PEOPLE. And this line is still basing ideals for the way your body should be on pleasing other people. But the only person your body needs to please is yourself. 

And you might say "oh but I do try to lose weight/gain weight/ become a zebra etc for myself." But do you really? Do you want to change your body so it is healthier or do you want to change it so others will find it more appealing? I think if most people think about it for a bit, they will have to say it's because they want it to seem more appealing, but the thing is appearance shouldn't be so important to us - you're only going to ever see yourself in a reflection, and at most that is usually no more than a few times a day. 

When we whittle it down to the core, this obsession with appearance is not for yourself it is for others. Jennifer Lawrence said it perfectly in a response to a question about body image a while back "What are you going to do, be hungry every single day to make other people happy? That's dumb." (More of what she said here). 

The same thing applies here, and to be honest that quote really stuck with me right from the first time I heard it, it makes a powerful statement about the pressure to be skinny, but it was also possibly the first time someone brought up the fact that often this abuse we subject our bodies to isn't even to improve ourselves.  

Also I'm not a fan of "Yeah it's pretty clear I ain't no size two/but I can shake it shake it/ like I'm supposed to do." this is kind of saying that your butt is for shaking. What about the people who aren't comfortable doing that? How do they feel when they hear this? Isn't it possible that saying something like this might cause someone to do something they're not comfortable with? 


And what about the people that are naturally really skinny and tiny? Some parts could be interpreted as skinny-shaming. I saw a comment on Facebook that just nailed it in addressing this part of the song, it went something like "It's great to promote body positivity, but it's not right to be putting other people down to make you feel better." and in truth, this song does do some of that. 

You might say "Okay wait, Maggs you are like totally over-analyzing" but my over-analyzing means someone else might over-analyze and if they think about it in the way I was pointing toward, well they might end up really hurt. 

If you want an example of a song I think translates good intent into actions with good impact beautifully that would be Colbie Caillet's "Try" 

♪ All about that health, 'bout that health, 'bout that health ♪

If the way your body is does not affect your health in any way, then that's wonderful, but I feel like now that we're trying to get away from the need to be skinny, but it's still not health that is taking the forefront.  Health SHOULD be in the forefront because if every material possession you own is taken away, your body is all you're going to have, and if you abuse it, it's you that will suffer, and it's you that will feel the consequences.  So why are we not "All about that health, 'bout that health, 'bout that health"? 

I do want a society that's more accepting of the diverse range of body types, but at the same time I don't think it's appropriate to well practically promote having overfat body types and obesity, because that's not good either.  Both being too skinny and having too much body fat are both not good for you. So I guess the ideal sort of message I find might be the best to communicate is that "As long as you are healthy, it doesn't matter what your body looks like" and "If you want to change something about yourself, do it for you, do it because you want to".

And I know there's no way to do anything without offending/angering/ and/or antagonizing SOMEONE in some way shape or form but I'd just like to get people to stop and think a little bit more and possibly reconsider doing something that might hurt someone. 

And on the flip-side I think that we, the general population shouldn't take everything the media, or even just other people, tell you on face value. Take a moment to separate what is acceptable in fantasy versus what is acceptable in reality and remember that just because others say something that doesn't mean you need to go out and do that and not wanting to do what they say doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. 

Now please don't go off and say I'm telling everyone to disregard what others tell you. Often what others say have some kind of merit, just not always. It's up to you to choose what you believe and what you don't, just keep the value of yourself in mind when you're doing so. 

At the end of the day, the question to ask is "Do you like you?" 

I know this is really long, but this stuff needs to be said. Anyway of you made it this far thank you for reading. Whether you'll despair or rejoice at this I'm not sure but I'm not done with this topic, check back in a couple of days and I'll have posted the part II to this, there's just so much to say. But what do you people think so far? Agree, disagree, somewhere in the middle? Did you like this second legit blog post? Share your opinions with me in the comments. Also I am still on the lookout for you people that are helping to promote this page. ;) 

-- Maggs

Blue Lily, Lily Blue Book Trailer: What Do You See?

The trailer for Blue Lily, Lily Blue book 3 of The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater, coming October 21, 2014. (Book 1 is called The Raven Boys, Book two is The Dream thieves). I have to say, this had me really freaked out+excited. Go ahead and watch it if you haven't read the first two books - it doesn't spoil anything, though I won't guarantee the comments won't.



I'm just gonna say this woman is SO talented. In addition to being one of the writers with the coolest, prettiest and strangely relatable writing I have ever come across, she's an amazing artist, plays several instruments and composes music. The music in this trailer is one of her own pieces - all the music in the trailers she makes for her books is composed by her, and any art is also original. Plus we kind of share a first name, so that's pretty awesome ;)



Link to listen to the full song here.



Link to listen to most of her other book trailer songs.



The next post will be a legit one where I actually talk about stuff, I promise. I'm just deciding between "Why Selfishness is not always the same as Wrong or Immoral" or "How the Bad always seems to Overshadow the Good" If people tell me which one they want first I will totally comply.